Friday, August 31, 2007

Cousin Benny and Cousin Meeko dialing in some questions

Hey Russell,

If a dog barks in the forest and no ones there to here it does it really
matter? Also, how much pie could an old pug eat if a old pug could eat pie?

pugs and kisses
benny boy

Answer to question uno - This is a trick question as there is someone in the forest, the dog that barked. Please do not mess with the master : )
Answer to question two - please define old pug. A pug of your ability can surely knock back many pie's. If you go see my buddy suki he does not appear to have the girth required for this pie consumption you speak of...

Hey Russell, How do you keep cool all day? It is a jungle out there... Meeko

I am a modern Shar Pei, two letters - A/C. It is a wonderful invention. It make the air cold and me happy. I am not build for extended outside adventures, 15 minutes of heat and back we go into the great indoors. Why fight advances in technology. Just a heads up, in the winter they make this thing called a heat : )

Have you every had a song stuck in your head?

"Russ, Have you every got a song stuck in your head? I can not get Whip it by Devo out of my head, please help!"

I once heard of this haunting condition referred to as having an earworm. I checked and there are no pills you can take for this, like Heartgard. The only vaccine that works for me is what I call my mind scrubber songs. I have a set of songs that I listen to in an attempt to override the menacing song hooks. Sometimes it works other times I have to just let it take its course, depending of how powerful your earworm is…

We all have songs that curse our ears and brains. Below is my list. In the process of typing the list up, I awoke the daemon songs causing me lyrical pain.

Top 10 Songs that get Stuck In My Head

10. It’s a small world
9. Gimme a break – Snickers commercial
8. I’m Bringing Sexy Back
7. Mission Impossible Theme
6. Jam On It.. Jam ja jam ja jam on it…
5. Punk Rock Girl
4. Hey Mickey your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind.
3. I want my baby back, baby back, baby back ribs – Chilli’s
2. Too Many Puppies – Primus
1. Once in a lifetime – Talking Heads

You may find yourself wanting frosty paws
And you may find yourself chasing your tail
And you may find yourself making up lyrics for hours
And you may find yourself …..

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Randi Tagged me for the Name Game

Dear Randi, I am a playful pup so I will engage in your game. I have a few amendments to the rules. First, I am sensitive about my middle name so you must refrain from public laugher. Second, to conform with my blog charter I must form this posting as advise.

Randi's Rules can be found at Here

My middle name is Cartman. The young punk brothers (pictured to the left) wanted it to be my first name but I was saved by Mom. They compromised on Russell and for that I am forever thankful. I have blocked out their faces to protect their identity as I fear rioting from my fans.

C - always Care for your family. A shar pei never stops caring even when the human are slow givin' up the snacks
A - ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK. Did not mean to scare you. But it's my job, this is what we do.
R - Remember, I remember every time they blame me for farting and I steal one sock per lie. I have enough socks to suit up a football team.
T - Teach, if you have a gift you must share. I am both a student and teacher young grasshopper.
M - Mom, if it was not for you Cartman would be my first name. Never forget Mom
A - Did I mention Attack?
N - Never let them see you sweet. A watch dog alway maintains control.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Top 5 Incorrect Theory’s on the Source of My Wisdom

Special shout out to Wonder Ruby for including me on her wonder blog, The Many Adventures of Wonder Ruby. Click Here

I would also like to thank all of Ruby’s friends who stopped by. Thank you for all the kind words. You like me; you really like me (sorry, I had to go Sally Field on you)

While I will make every attempt to respond to the numerous questions, there was one re-occurring theme that I would like to respond too, “Russell, how did you get so wise?” This, my friend, is a secret. David Blaine did not tell anyone how he stayed in a block of ice for 2 days 13 hours, 42 minutes, and 15 seconds. Rubik never unlocked the secrets of his cube. And Keanu Reeves never shared the process of how he creates such deep characters in his moves. You do not get much deeper then when Bill and Ted had to choose which pill to take, the red or the blue….

What I will do is share with you the Top 5 Incorrect Theory’s on the source of my wisdom. These theory's were sent in from the peanut gallery. Once again for the slow folks these are incorrect theory's, ones that are NOT true.

5. On a school trip I was bit by a spider. The following day I received strange powers which enabled me to think like Buddha. By day watch dog by night I inform.

4. While doing my post grad at Yale, I was invited to join a secret club. I accepted because it was called Skull and Bones. Once I saw that GWB was a member and the there where no bones to be found, I quit. Talk about bait and switch. I did however absorb the knowledge making me connected and dangerous.

3. At birth I was kid-napped by Tom Cruise and converted to Scientology…

2. Born on a distant planet that was on the brink of exploding, my parent placed me in a rocket bound for earth. I was found and raised by humans. This why I am smarter then a speeding poodle and more powerful then a loco puggle.

1. Orphaned, I was raised in a Shaolin monastery, and was trained by the monks to be a Shaolin master. When my mentor is murdered, I retaliated by killing the emperor's nephew, forcing me to flee China and escape execution. This was not before I snatch the snaugage from my master's paw.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

What's on my iPod

Steve from CA writes, "Do you have an iPod and if so What do you listen to?"

Yes I own an iPod. Music is a big part of my life. One might think that I listen to the native music of my land of origin but I am not a big fan of Chinese music. (No offense) I am an emotional listener. My playlist are setup to mirror my moods. An I am moody little mother.

When I am getting pumped up for a day of protecting or chasing the birds off my lawn, I listen to metal. Currently I have Linkin Park in heavy rotation.

When I am looking to get my dance on... Snoop is the poop. With a fresh backup of Jay-Z and Kool Moe Dee. Yes Kool Moe Dee! You need to show respect to the old school. Just spin KMD's "I go to work", that poop is bad!

When I need to chill I do just that and listen to chill... a little Zero 7 or Jose Gonzalez.

I am alway open to new tunes

Love life of a young Shar Pei

Question from West Haven, CT - "Do you have a love life or are you too young to date? Is that a new coat your wearing, looks sharp?" Signed an admirer

I, my friend, am what they call a Major Playa. Ladies love the Russ-Man. All the honey's love to pet me and tell me how cute I am. Now for my canine love life, lets just say that the life of a family guard dog is very gratifying but leaves me little personal time to mix and mingle. If you are familiar with Shar Pei breed you will know that we are a very loving breed. Although we have issues with trust, it is in the genes. Finding that special b-octh to share my life with may take some time.

Now to part two of your question, "Is that a new coat?". No it is not. You will find exhibit A below.

The coat I am wearing at 4 months is the same as the one I am wearing at 10 months. I am going though my growth spurt and therefore more me gives the optical illusion of a new or smaller coat. It is a common mistake. Please no not feel stupid, most of you humans are not that bright.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Summer Movie Pick

Matt from Boston asks, "Hey Russell, What is your pick for summer movie?"

Paws down, The Bourne/Shar Pei Ultimatum. It has got action. It has drama. It has international spies stuff. And lots and lots of shaky camera chase sequences. And if that is not enough, It has me and Matt Damian.

This movie is a perfect date movie. It has crazy fights and action for the dudes. It has Matt for the ladies and me for the bitches. By bitches I mean female dogs of course : )

I give it 4 liver snaps out of 5. There was a one liver snap deduction because the shaky camera chase scenes made me motion sick.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I'd rather go naked then wear fur

And anonymous emailer asks, " Yo Dog, I saw a news story on about models protesting fur for PETA. Are you against wearing fur?"

Attention anonymous emailer, I am a dog. I wear fur, duhhhhhh. I am fur! Fur and I are one. If the question is "am I against people wearing fur?", then the answer is yes, yes, and yes. I do not wear human skin and humans should not wear the skin of others. The one exception to this rule is leather. I look gooood in leather. And if the cow's are okay with the whole leather thing then who am I to question old Betsy.

On another note. I just got my new head shoots back. Do you think they make me look like I have a big head? I was going for serious but playful, smart but approachable, tough but with a gentle side....

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Will football(soccer) ever catch on in the US?

Victoria from LA asks, "Hey Russ, Do you think football will ever catch on in the states? Please be frank. P.S. Love the regal look it makes me less home sick."

I would love to say yes but I would be lying. We live in a time where boxing has been replaced by ultimate fighting. Kids no longer sit around doing nothing; they video tape themselves running into walls and post it on youtube. Action and danger are required in our instant gratification society. I will break it down for you, not enough scoring and all the diving drama does not go over will the extreme jackass generation. Suggestion, add jello. It worked for in the 80’s.

Welcome to my new blog "Ask Russell"

Not a day goes by without someone coming up to me and saying, "Russell, you wise old Shar Pei puppy, you always have all the answers. You should give back to the people." I thought to myself, Self how can I make a difference? how can I reach the masses? A Sirius radio show as Russell Stern-Pei, been done. Talk show, Late Night with Russell, again it has been done. That's when it hit me, BLOG. So blog I shall. And I shall blog with the grace and power that only a shar pei can.

I am opening up the lines... Let the questions begin.

email me at